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lonelywonderingdarksoul
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Name: Austin
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska, United States
Birthday: 7/21/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, lots and lots of music, Concerts, friends, finding love, and sleeping. All other things fall under the rest.
Expertise: Caring about friends and other, tring to keep eveyone happy evan at my own expence, and some how haveing pain and my heart being torn apart in the process.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
MSN: austin2005_16@hotmail.com
Member Since:
3/8/2005
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| So Harmony is talking to me again and we went out clubbing and after I'm more confused about her than ever. I keep getting strong hints that she is into me, laughing at all my little jokes, dancing with me more than anyone, constantly looking back my way, and even dragging me on the dance floor two different times and kisses me, and than kissing me the way she did on the last dance. So what the hell else am I supposed to think. I understand she is still getting over being with her ex-fiance but after the things she has done I'm confused. Am I just a rebound? Do I have a chance? Or am I just reading too into things? | | |
| So I'm to have all my things out of my house by the end of the night or it will be trashed. All this after I get home from dropping Aaron and Caleb off. And befor that we walked for two hours from Aarons house in the full of the snow. We started around 4:30am and got to my house past 6:30am. So Caleb, Aaron and myself will have to go set up an appartment latter on today. And get all my stuff out to somewhere.
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| So I have decided to drop out. Yea it's a dumb choice and so on. From my family and most of everyone I have told or who found out it is a shock and most have, my family, chewed me out for it and complained and fought me over it. To those that didn't and only asked why in wonder of my reasons I thank you. But for those that don't know why. The main reasons are to escape drama mainly high school drama. The people who bring it around with them and make others get involved without a choice in the matter. Aswell as the students who attend High School. To those I consider friends and or family this doesn't apply to you. The security is another. The old staff is wonderful but the new two security guards. For example: the chain wallet. I would not be harassed all throughout the halls for wanting to protect my wallet and/or keys. Not only that but having it done day after day will piss anyone off. Officer Aimen (sp) it get along with and will more likely fallow his words than any of them. In fact I have no quarrel with him. The last is Flemming. Basically the same as baldy just more intense and more frustrating. I'm tempted to make an appointment with all the teachers I have had at East and visit them day after day until the end of the school year just to return the favor. (For those that don't know I will be charged with trespassing if I'm at East without an appointment with a teacher or other staff member.) This has little to do with me being a fuck head and screwing up my first semester it has gone far beyond that point. I'm just tired of putting up with teachers pushing me back holding things off not working with me or making my day crap for being related to past students of There's that they disliked. And probably last I just want to get on with my life and not wait for things. I want to move out and get plans started instead of waiting for time to pass and gain nothing worth my use in life.
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| Yeay!!!! Confusion!!!! Yeay!!!! My sppon is too big. (for those that
get what that means.) Life is just that confusing. I try to avoid
drama, stress, and shit happening. I treat everyone in the highest
manner give off good carma but what do I get out of it? Crap. Shit just
gets thrown around, nothing is settling in and all jumbled up into a
knot that hudienie couldn't get out of. I'm not shure as to what to do
anymore. I have tried all methods to avoid this shit and somehow I have
found myself right where I started. Venting is all I seem to have left.
That or dreaming and even there I find myself back to the problem. I
used to difine my dreams but now I seem to always know what is
troubling me. Though it is great to not have to search for the problem
I just can't seem to come up with a salution anymore. Normaly this kind
of venting would be done in my own privacy with only one living soul
knowing what is bothering me but maybe posting this will help in some
way.
I'm going to run through most of it all so be propared for
a long post.. My brother. Him getting into his own crap and not
thinking first has really bothered me. He has been in my life since he
was born 5 minutes after me. We shared the same room for 16 years and
he kicks me out. Since than we have gone our own seperite ways. (for
the police that look on myspace for this shit "Fuck you! You are a
couse to most of my problems.") The interigation tore me apart and few
things kept me together. This is all the couse as to why I havn't been
at school for the past month. With this shit going on can you blame me?
I can't do anything to help him or make the situaton better for anyone,
this is what breaks me appart. I usually come up with a plan of action.
Something that can be done that will solve the problem for everyone and
no one gets jipped. But here the only thing to do is hold my family
together. My grandmother worries as does everyone else and to have to
be the support beam is wearing me out all the time.I just want to get
away and escape it all but I have to return home to it and wake up to
it each day. That is why I keep driving my mothers care everywhere,
even if there is nowhere to go to. The stress from this has built up
and I have nothing to release it appon without hurting myself and
others. The only thing I'm proude of my self of is two things. Cutting
down on smoking, I have one person to thank for that (and they didn't
do anything.) and not cutting myself. I'm running out of ideas and
places to go. I'm starting up more whorrible things again and going
back to the way I used to be and I can't stop myself from it.
All
this has spawned every other one of my problems. Due to not attending
school I have to repeat a semester to graduate and I'm angry at myself
for letting that happen. I'm peranoid about everything. people turning
on my and stabbing me in the back. It's even to the point where I'm
watching for people fallowing me and close thinking close frineds of
suspiciouse actions. I'm just falling down a spiral staircase and can't
find a handle to stop myself. Work is just wearing me out at the end of
the day and I find it to be getting in the way. Things I want to do I
can't due to work and when I get paid I find myself loosing it all and
have that continue over from each paycheck. I need more money but it
will take more time away and eat up more money. Causing a strange
paradox cycles through it'self.
On to what I believe in. My
faith is one of a strange kind and no amount of posting will explain
all of it but to hint at it? Maybe? It has nothing to do with satanic
ritual, it's just another way to understand the world. But being
stressed keeps me from all of that and slowly distroys myself in the
end. A part of my stress comes from here aswell.
There are
friends I never seem to see and some seem to be changing for the worst.
Some are no longer the ones I used to know. Others don't seem to change
at all but I never get to see them anymore and that adds more on to the
mound on my sholders. I just need things to go back to the way they
where and others few things stay as they are. But the likelyhood of
that is null.
If everyone and everything can just line up how I
need them to be things will go fantastic from here on out. Allas they
don't seem to fallow night life and my body won't shift back to being
asleep at night and awake durring the day. So now people can see what
has been going on with me since thanksgiving and they slowly make
change for the better. On to better news. I'm planing to get a hair
cut. Hard to discribe but I know how to get it. I asked Aaron on what
he would think and he agrees. It won't be a me haircut and I will loose
quite a bit of hair over it but in the end I will still be able to put
it up. | | |
| So not posting for a while..... Ok. I have nothing. Work is..... well work and should stay at work. And I still have nothing. People seem to have found out that I was thinking about dropping out without me wanting them to. What do you know? You must have my room wired with little flys that hear my every word and report them back to you with new information. But away from random for real now. I have been sleeping on my coutch in the living room insted of my room and for the past few days I have been getting little sleep. You probobly have knowticed that I'm not at school. Well that is because of my own stuppidity and illiteracy. I have skipped far to much that there is no reason to go. I can no longer pass any of my classes and there goes my whole graduation on time with everyone else plan. Thus spawning the idea of dropping out and getting my GED than heading off to some shit hole colege that will take me without a highschool deploma. I'm just really fed up with the crap that goes on at East and in High School, for that matter. (To those I care about this has nothing to do with you.) The interigation thing along with all the worthless people that have nothing in there life that matters to them but there looks and popularity, aswell as most of the staff there. Fleming wants me to go for a novanet class for one period a day for the remainder of the school year, a little over a week, because he thinks I can get something done. Maybe if I'm going at it for every hour of every day I could get something worth done there but there is just no point to it any more. In a more posative outlook, I finally got my drivers licence so I can legaly drive a car. But my car is broken and unfit to drive, the door wont shut and is tied by a rope to keep it close to shut. It will cost 300 to fix it and we are a little more than jsut out of cash, with having to paint because we are having christmas at my house this year. Gifts will have to be something along the lines of 20 bucks. But christmas has never been good to me so I don't care. My cat has gotten much nicer so to those who have seen him, since he was so small that I could cover him with one hand, he won't bite you appon site. Thats all I really have to say for now. I'll post something sometime in the next year for few people to read. | | |
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